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Christian Relationship Skills

This Week's Focus 7/24/09: Make a Plan for Change

It is also important to make a dedicated plan for change. Often apologies involving repentence fail because the person never set up steps of action to help ensure success.

A person must first set goals for their change. After you create realistic goals, then you can start implementing a plan to chage. Taking baby steps towards repentance instead of insisting on changing all at once will increase your chances of successfully changing your ways.

It is important to remember that change is hard. Constructive change does not mean we will immediately be successful. There will be highs and lows on the road to change. You must remember that with God's help, anyone can change their ways if they are truly and genuinely ready to repent.

-Dr. Gary Chapman, On the Marriage You've Always Wanted

This Week's Focus 7/17/09: Communicating About Daily Life

Communication is an act of the will. Paul illustrated this when he said to the Corinthians, "Our heart is opened wide...Now, open your hearts to us." He would not have requested what they could not do. We cannot truthfully say, "I cannot communicate because of my personality."

It is true that some of us have what I call a Dead Sea personality. The Dead Sea receives that waters of the Jordan, but has no outlet. So we have many thoughts, feelings and desires throughout the day, but we are perfectly content not to express them. We have no compulsion to talk.

Others have what I call the "Babbling Brook" personality. Everything that enters the mind comes out of the mouth, and usually there is not a sixty-second lapse between the two. But the Dead Sea can learn to talk and the Babbling Brook can learn to slow the flow. We are influenced by our personalities, but we are not controlled by them. Communication is a choice and its skills can be learned.

-Dr. Gary Chapman, On the Marriage You've Always Wanted

 This Week's Focus 7/10/09: Keeping The Love Tank Full

Marriage is designed by God to meet our deep need for intimacy and love. Yet this emotional love often seems elusive. I have listened to many married couples share their sercret pain. Some came up to me because the inner ache had become unbearable. Others came simply to inform me that they no longer wanted to be married. Their dreams of "living happily ever after" had been dashed against the hard walls of reality.

Again and again I have heard the words, "Our love is gone, our relationship is dead. We used to feel close, but not now. We no longer enjoy being with each other. We don't meet each other's needs." Their stories bear testimony that their emotional love tanks are empty.

Can these marriages be reborn? Absolutely! Because love is learned. My files are filled with letters which say, "Dr. Chapman, we have read your book The Five Love Languages, and we have finally learned to love each other. We can't believe the difference it has made. We actually feel excited about being with each other." Love is a language waiting to be learned.

-Dr. Gary Chapman, On the Marriage You've Always Wanted

This Week's Focus 7/3/09: Overcoming Barriers To Communication

Lack of self-esteem is one of the greatest barriers to communication. Many of us have grown up with feelings of inadequacy. We look back on a string of failures and find our successes hard to remember. Thus when we come to marriage, we find it difficult to express our ideas for fear of further rejection and failure.

Is there no hope for the one who perceives himself as weak and failing? If this is true then a large segment of our society stands without help. How have we developed our self concept? By judging ourselves by the value system of those around us. But the world's values are wrong. Certainly you have weakness, but you also have strengths. God does not run a cookie factory; he runs a snowflake factory noted for variety.

Be your best self under God's direction. You are a worthy person because you are made in God's image and you are his child, by faith in Christ. Don't let your emotions push you around. Admit your feelings of inadequacy to God, but thank him that you can do all things through Christ, who strengthens you.

-Dr. Gary Chapman, On the Marriage You've Always Wanted

This Week's Focus 6/26/09: How Wives Can Help Husbands Grow

If you want to influence your husband, requests are more productive than demands. None of us like to be controlled and demands are controlling. "If you don't mow the grass this afternoon, then I'm going to mow it." I wouldn't make that demand unless you want to be the permanent lawn mower. It is far more effective to say, "Do you know what would really make me happy?" Wait until he asks, "What?" Than say, "If you could find time this afternoon to mow the grass. You always do such a great job."

Let me illustrate by applying the principle to you. How do you feel when your husband says, "I haven't had an apple pie since the baby was born? I don't guess I'm going to get any more apple pie for eighteen years." Now, doesn't that motivate you? But what if he says, "You know what I'd really like to have ? One of your apple pies. You make the best apple pie in the world. Sometime when you get a chance, I'd really love one of your apple pies." Chances are he'll have an apple pie before the week is over. Requests are more productive than demands.

-Dr. Gary Chapman, On the Marriage You've Always Wanted

This Week's Focus 6/19/09: Helping Your Adult Children

Someone said that when children are little, they step all over your feet, and when they are older, they step all over your heart. The rigors of raising children can be extremely draining physically, emotionally and financially. By the time children reach young adulthood many parents feel depleted.

One father said, "I thought that by this time we would be living on easy street, enjoying the fruit of our labors. Instead, we have spent all of our retirement funds on lawyers trying to keep our son out of jail. Now we've sold our house and moved to a smaller place to reduce our monthly bills. If anything else happens I don't know what we will do."

Let me predict: Something else will happen. Parents must learn to preserve their own well being or they will soon find themselves depleted. Worst of all, they may find their marriage relationship in serious trouble. One clue: talk to each other before you take steps to help your children. Two minds are always better than one.

-Dr Gary Chapman, On Marriage You've Always Wanted